The emotional move: leaving the UK as a family

There's a form for telling HMRC you've left. There's no form for telling your mum. That second conversation is the one that stays with you.

The short version

Moving abroad is two moves at once: the one with removal vans and the P85, and the one inside your family. The second one rarely gets a slot in the diary.
Guilt about parents back in the UK is one of the most common feelings Brits abroad describe. It's a sign of love, not of a wrong decision.
The partner who followed the job often has the hardest first year: no colleagues, no work routine, sometimes no right to work at first.
Loneliness after a move to a new country is common and recognised [5]. If low mood lasts most of the day, nearly every day, for more than two weeks, see a doctor [3].
Help works best early. We work with Katharina Bergauer of innsicht, a psychotherapist in training who sees families, couples and individuals online, in English or German [1].

The bit nobody puts on the spreadsheet

Most Brits plan a move like a project. Visa, flat, school, shipping quotes, the tax year. All of it has a date and a box to tick. Feelings don't, so they wait until there's a quiet moment, which tends to be 11pm in a half-unpacked flat with no curtains.

It often comes out sideways. A row about who forgot to cancel the TV licence. A ten-year-old who says the new school is "fine" and then won't say anything else. A partner who's "honestly okay" right up to the moment they aren't. None of that means the move was a mistake. It means several people are going through a big change at different speeds.

Leaving Mum and Dad behind

For many Brits the hardest goodbye isn't to friends, it's to parents who are getting older. The worry is practical and emotional at once. Who takes Dad to his hospital appointments? What happens if Mum has a fall? Will the grandchildren know their grandparents through a screen?

Some things that help:

Talk about it before you go. Ask your parents what worries them, and say what worries you. Most parents would rather have the conversation than be protected from it.
Share the load fairly. If you have siblings in the UK, agree who does what, and how you'll contribute from abroad, whether that's money, admin by email or taking over the care when you're home.
Sort the paperwork early. A lasting power of attorney, and knowing where the important documents are, saves a frantic scramble later. Our guide to powers of attorney and managing UK affairs from abroad covers it.
Have a plan for the bad phone call. Know the fastest route home, keep your passport in date and keep a little money set aside for a last-minute flight.

The guilt rarely disappears completely. Most people find it settles once there's a rhythm: a regular call, visits that are planned rather than snatched, and a sibling who isn't left feeling like they're the only one holding the fort.

The partner who came along

One of you usually moved for a job, a contract or a dream. The other one came along. HR calls this the "trailing partner", which says a lot about how little thought it gets.

That partner may have given up a career, a salary and a social life built over years. In the new country they might not be allowed to work at first, might not speak the language yet, and are often the one sitting in the queue at the town hall for the residence paperwork. Katharina writes about this, particularly for mothers abroad: feeling grateful and overwhelmed at the same time, and feeling guilty for not being happier when life looks fine from the outside [2].

If that's your family, a few things make a difference:

Say out loud that it's a shared decision with a shared cost, not a favour one of you is doing the other.
Agree the first six months together: who handles which paperwork, how many evenings the working partner will actually be home, and what the other partner gets to build for themselves.
Give the partner at home their own routine that has nothing to do with the family admin: a language class, a sports club, volunteering, freelance work if the visa allows.
Check in properly, not "all right?" on the way out of the door, but a real conversation every week or two.

Children, friends and the school year

Children move with you, but they don't choose to. For younger ones it's usually about their best mate, their bedroom and their grandparents. For teenagers it can be anger, silence, or "you've ruined my life", sometimes all three before breakfast. Katharina describes teenage mood swings and withdrawal as a normal stage of development, not a rejection of the parents [6].

What tends to help:

Time the move with the UK school year where you can. Leaving at the end of the summer term gives children a proper goodbye with their class, rather than vanishing in the middle of March. Check when the school year starts in the new country; in some it runs very differently.
Let them be sad. Ask what they'll miss, and don't rush them to be excited.
Keep old friendships going. A video call with their best mate, a WhatsApp group, a visit in the summer holidays.
Keep one routine the same. Friday film night, the bedtime story, Sunday pancakes. Something that comes with you.

Christmas, Boxing Day and the calendar of missing home

Homesickness tends to hit on the dates. The first Christmas away, a family birthday, Mother's Day when the cards come out in the shops back home and nobody's heard of it where you live.

Occasion	Why it can hurt	What helps
Christmas and Boxing Day	No family round the table, no bad telly, no cold turkey sandwiches	Plan it on purpose: a call at a set time, a few British traditions, local friends invited
Family birthdays	Missing the party, especially for grandparents	A card posted early, a video call while they open it
Bonfire Night, pancake day, the bank holidays	Small things that suddenly matter	Do them anyway; teach the neighbours what a sparkler is for
A family illness or funeral	Distance, cost, time off work	A travel fund and an agreement with work in advance

The pull of "popping home"

From much of Europe, a flight to the UK takes two or three hours, and it's tempting to pop back for every wedding, christening and Sunday roast at your nan's. Some trips are worth every penny. But if every free weekend is spent back in Blighty, it's hard to build a life where you live. Agree as a family roughly how often you'll go home, and protect some weekends for the new place. From Australia or Asia it's the opposite problem: visits are rare and expensive, so plan them a year ahead.

When it's more than a rough patch

Feeling homesick, flat or lonely in the first months is normal. Mind lists moving to a new country without family, friends or community networks as one of the things that can trigger loneliness, and long-term loneliness is linked to depression, anxiety and sleep problems [5].

The NHS says to see a GP if you have symptoms of depression most of the day, every day, for more than two weeks [3]. Those symptoms include persistent low mood, losing motivation, changes in sleep or appetite, low energy, and feeling hopeless or guilty [3]. Once you live abroad, that usually means a local doctor. NHS talking therapies need you to be registered with a GP in the UK [4], so they're normally not open to you after you've moved.

If you or someone in your family is in immediate danger, call the local emergency number where you live. UK numbers like 999 and 111 don't work from abroad.

Someone in your corner: Katharina Bergauer, innsicht

Katharina Bergauer works with individuals, couples and families from her practice in Vienna and online. She describes herself as a "Psychotherapeutin in Fachausbildung unter Lehrsupervision": a psychotherapist in training, working under the supervision of experienced teaching therapists. She works as a systemic family therapist: her approach looks at a problem in the context of relationships, family, work and the life you're living now [1].

Among the subjects she lists are moving abroad, arriving and belonging, life changes and starting again, couple and family difficulties, and exhaustion and feeling overwhelmed [1]. For families abroad she works online, by arrangement, in English or German, so the time difference matters less [1]. She's clear that therapy isn't about finding someone to blame or handing out ready-made answers, and that it doesn't replace medical care [1]. She doesn't currently bill health insurers [1].

The best time to talk to someone like Katharina is before things go wrong: in the months before the move and through the first year. You can ask for a first conversation on innsicht.at. She also writes short pieces on family life, in German, on her Innsichten page [6].

To be upfront: we know Katharina personally, and she is our partner for the emotional move. Please read this as a recommendation from people with a connection, not as an independent review.

The emotional move: leaving Mum and Dad, the partner who followed and the kids' friends